Taken from JAN BURKE’s 1998 short story “A Fine Set of Teeth” (proving these “jokes” have been around for awhile ) originally published in Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine and reprinted in a compilation entitled Women of Mystery III (that’s where I first read it)
Q: What’s the difference between a dead trombone player and a dead snake on the middle of the road?
A: The snake was on his way to a gig.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A guitar player.
Q: What band name on a marquee will always guarantee a crowd?
A; Free Beer
A: With a drum machine you only have to punch in the information once.
Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.
Q: Why did God give drummers ten percent more brains than horses?
A: So no one would have to clean up after them during the parade.
Q: What’s the difference between a singer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: How can you tell if a stage is level?
A: The bass player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q What’s the difference between a viola and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a viola.
Q: What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: An orchestra has the horns in the back and the ass in front.
I am reliably informed that although Ms. Burke is not a professional musician her husband, Tim Burke, plays in a jumpin’ little covers band called Downtight. Presumably he is the source of the above witticisms.
PS According to the band’s website “besides the usual lead and rhythm guitar responsibilities, (Tim Burke) doubles on synth-guitar, covering various traditional keyboard parts – horns, electric/acoustic piano, strings, fiddle, B3 organ, to name but a few.”